And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
