I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
