"it" just moved
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize