I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
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