VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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