If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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