i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
