The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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