But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
