I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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