i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
