So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
