the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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