this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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