I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
