my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We just shotgunned beers for America
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
