Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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