1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
