so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
