Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
