just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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