Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just forgot I was standing up.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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