Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
