I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
