Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
