I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
