We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
