I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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