I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
