I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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