I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Randomize
