my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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