I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Who died my cat blue again?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
