That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
