soooo we both peed the bed last night...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
God I need to hump something, right now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
