you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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