Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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