Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
