I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize