Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
