At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
