24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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