There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize