They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
