i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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