I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
