She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
