I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize