I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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