A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
