just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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