hotel room ftw
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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