a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize