The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
someone owes me an orgasm
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
