Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sorry about my life...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
