The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
