You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
