i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
